


Tears We Cry, The

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-09
Updated: 2002-10-09
Packaged: 2019-05-15 22:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14798987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Life changes in store for Mr & Mrs Ziegler





	Tears We Cry, The

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**The Tears We Cry**

**by:** Jade  


**Category/Pairing:** CJ/Toby, Angst  
**Disclaimer:** All the featured characters belong to Aaron Sorkin except for William and Emily, they are my own little creations   
**Rating:** YTEEN  
**Summary:** Life changes in store for Mr & Mrs Ziegler 

For Jen, it took one episode to get you hooked you owe me 

* * *

I am on my way to her office, I haven’t seen her since staff, that was a whole hour ago and I already miss her like it has been months.  It’s like being a teenager all over again, everything feels new like I haven’t already experienced it.  Then I think to myself I have never experienced anything like this before, I have never experienced anyone like her before.   CJ Cregg just saying her name makes me smile.  

As soon as I can escape from the masses of work that Ginger seems to be giving me. I am on my way looking for her, Carol is on the phone as I approach, she nods in my direction, before mouthing “She’s free.” I am happy to just stand in the doorway and watch her, for a while.

She’s sitting at her desk flicking through various memos and books for her next briefing, the piles on her desk are high enough to partially hide her.  I close the door behind me trying not to let it make a sound.  It doesn’t matter she knows that I am here, she doesn’t look up but I can tell by the smile on her face.  “Hi you.”

“Couldn’t stay away huh?  I thought we were meeting for lunch?”

“We are, I just wanted to see that you are following doctor’s orders.”

“That’s why I would be sitting and not pacing.  I only get up to pee, which is about every two minutes.”  CJ glared when she saw him pull his face, indicating that that was more information than he had needed to know.  “Don’t you look at me like that it is your fault that I have to pee all the time.”

I shrug my shoulders and just smile, there’s no point in arguing with her but I seem to remember the cause of her constant peeing slightly differently to how she does.  As I remember it she seduced me, I was happy just sitting on the sofa admittedly she didn’t have to do much, I think it was the sight of her in my old college jumper and nothing else that did it.

“Toby, earth to Toby.”  She laughed, I will never grow tried of hearing her laugh.  I look at her and she stops, I move over to the window and sit on the corner of her desk.  She jumps slightly all of a sudden, I understand why I saw the tiny clenched up fist that momentarily poked out.  We smile at each other.

She puts her hands on her belly, whispering she says “I know daddy has that effect on me too, what I meant the increased movement.”  With that she takes my hand and lies it across her ever-increasing bump.  She closes her eyes as I gently rub back and forth.

“Hi babies, you feel like coming out any time soon?”  I laugh self consciously at the idea that I am talking to my wife’s stomach, but it doesn’t seem so silly when I feel our babies moving right under my hand, our babies mine and hers.  At least no one else hears me when I am being like this, just grateful that I remembered to close the door.

“How about we go for lunch a little early then?  We might just have enough time to go home.”  I smile at her, sure we could go home after all she is probably hungry it’s just that I know that food isn’t what she is hungering for.

“Honey you know that the doctor said that we shouldn’t.”   Lets just clear up one thing there isn’t anything in the world that I would rather do but I won’t do anything that might hurt the babies, they are too important.  From the look I receive I guess that she was not too happy with my response.

“Toby she never said anything about us not having sex, only that I have to take it easy at work, and since we will be at home that doesn’t apply.  I know you’re worried but it’s safe really it is.”

*CJ POV 

This whole abstinence thing is going to end, it’s ok for him I mean I look and feel like a whale but he just seems to get more attractive the more pregnant I get.  Take today for instance he‘s loosened the tie that he’s wearing, I know it isn’t much but trust me it doesn’t take a lot when you have been deprived of your husband for two months.

Even though I understand that he is just being protective over the babies it really doesn’t make me feel attractive to know that my husband doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me.  I look up into his eyes, there’s so much love there that I can’t stay mad and I have to smile.  As if he knows what I am thinking he says.

“It’s not like I don’t want to I just think that the babies should come first.”  The smile I was wearing just seconds ago disappears.  I really don’t appreciate the suggestion that I don’t put MY babies first.  He knows his mistake, and I know that I shouldn’t make a big deal of this but my hormones seem to have different ideas.

“I really think you should rephrase that, in a way that doesn’t make you sound like a complete ass.  I have carried these babies for eight months, taken every kind of prenatal vitamin that I have been able to get, I am the one that hasn’t drank the one glass of wine that MY doctor says it’s ok to have.  I am the one that has eaten things that you wouldn’t even feed to a dog.  I’m the one that hasn’t touched a single cup of coffee since the day I found out I was pregnant, even though I can’t usually get through the day without the stuff and YOU stand there and tell me that I don’t put MY babies first!”

“OUR babies CJ.”  He corrects me knowing how much I hate it when he does, but he looks sullen with his hurt puppy dog eyes like I have really upset him this time, that is until he shrugs his shoulders and smirks.

“No I think I was right the first time and you know what I don’t want to have sex with you now or ever again!”  And with that I storm out of my office, well it was more like a waddle that is about all I can manage nowadays.

*Toby POV

So in the space of ten minutes I have managed to talk my wife out of having sex with me ever again, that has got to deserve a pat on the back.  I fully understand that it’s just the hormones that are making her act crazy but I can never say the right thing and staying silent just annoys her even more.   

I stay sitting on the desk, debating whether I should go after her or stay as far away as possible.  I was thinking that the second option would be the safest that is until Donna comes running into the office, she looks pale “It’s CJ she fell…”  She says something else but I don’t hear her all I know is that there is something wrong with my wife.

There is a crowd of people gathered in the corridor, I have trouble pushing through them but I need to get to her, make sure that she is ok.  As soon as he notices me Leo ushers everyone away leaving only me, Josh, Leo and CJ.  “CJ, it’s me come on you need to wake up.”  She doesn’t stir, she looks ashen, I look down when I feel something warm seeping through the knee of my trousers.

I don’t need to look to know what it is, blood hers.  “Call an ambulance!  Come on CJ it’s me you’ve got to wake up now.”  I look around me but I can’t see anything clearly it’s all a blur, she’s a blur all that is clear is the puddle of blood that I’m kneeling in.

I want to scream but I can’t, I have to stop thinking like that everything is going to be fine, I can’t consider that it won’t be it hurts to much to even think about.  At last the paramedics arrive and stretcher her away, I go with them all the time holding her lifeless hand. 

We reach the hospital somehow I’m not sure how, I don’t remember anything except that she was still bleeding.  Everyone is running, somebody says something about surgery, and I am given a form to sign, I try to read it but I can’t so I sign it and hand it them back.  A nurse ushers me into a waiting room.

I am not in the room alone for long soon Abbey and Leo appear at the door, they come in tentatively I must look awful because Abbey comes straight to me and envelopes me in a hug.  I cry now because it’s not up to me anymore CJ has been taken out of hands.  “Toby she will be ok, you can’t lose faith in her.”

I never had any real faith in anything until I met CJ, she alone changed that.  I felt safe enough to put all my faith in her and our marriage.  But I know her, she would rather die and have the babies live than live them.  If the babies didn’t make it CJ wouldn’t make it either I knew.  That made me cry even harder.

Finally a doctor came into the room, I was going to be allowed to see her.  “Is she ok?  What about the babies?”  He dropped his eyes to the floor and I knew in that instant that my world had just come crashing down around me. 

“I’m sorry we did everything we could but only one of the babies survived, she lost too much blood.”  I don’t take in what he has said, I simply stare at him.  I refuse to accept that there is a baby I would never get to see.  “She’s still asleep from the surgery but she will be waking up soon.”

I had to see her, I need for me to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up.  I try to enter her room but I stop in the doorway frightened to go any further, I can’t what am I supposed to say?  What can I say to take away her pain?

She is stirring, her eyelashes flutter as she tries to pry open her eyes.  ”Toby…Toby.”  And I’m there by her side stroking her hair so that she knows I am here with her.  

Her hands instinctively go to feel the bump that isn’t there anymore.  I pull her hands away and hold them with mine, but she knows, she looks at me for a second, her face devoid of emotion, her body perfectly still.  Then she pulls her hands away from me, she hides her face not wanting me to see her cry, the violent sobs rack her fragile body, I can’t do anything, I have never felt so useless in all my life.

“CJ listen to me.  They couldn’t save both of the babies.”  She snaps her head up to look at me.  She doesn’t believe me I can tell she thinks that I am lying to her.  After the longest moments of my life she puts up her arms up towards me I fall into them.  It is an acknowledgement that I am hurting too, and I am.

“Toby I want to see them.”  The words are only just audible but I hear her, I leave her only for a second to ask the nurse if it is possible, she tells me that they will arrange for us to go to the nursery to see our daughter.

I lose her then and everything she says.  I’m a father, I have a daughter, me and CJ have a daughter.  “I will have somebody bring your son to her room, you can have as long with him as you want.”  And in an instant all the joy I feel about my daughter is suddenly gone because I have lost my son.

I return to CJ, Abbey is with her now holding her as she cries.  She whispers through her own tears that I am back.

*Toby POV

I barely notice that it is now Toby holding me, it doesn’t make a difference who it is the pain doesn’t go away.  He is rocking me back and forth trying to calm me, I don’t want to be calmer I want to see my baby, my babies both of them.

“The nurse is going to bring him in soon.”  I hear how his words are disjointed because of his crying but I can’t say anything to comfort him.  I can’t even look at him knowing how much he must hate me for losing one of our babies.  We were blessed with two miracles and now one of them isn’t here and it’s all my fault.

If I hadn’t left the office, if I just would have stayed.  I didn’t know that Sam would come running round the corner.  I can’t remember anything except falling and landing on my stomach.  If I had stayed none of this would have happened and Toby wouldn’t hate me.

The nurse enters, all I can see is a blue blanket, a blue blanket that is holding our son in it.  Toby pulls away from me so that I can take the baby.  I feel his weight in my arms as the nurse positions him.  I stiffen at first but as I look into his face I relax.  His eyes are closed, just like he is asleep.  I pull the blanket open so that I can see more of him, he is tiny but every part of him is perfect, I count his ten toes and his ten fingers.  All I can think is that I will never get to see them move.  

Toby sits back down behind me and looks over my shoulder.  He takes our son’s hand in his, it makes him seem even smaller when compared with Toby.  I study his features so they are imprinted on my memory for the rest of my life.  He has so much of Toby in him his nose, his mouth, and his dark hair and I swear for just a second that I see him smile that little half smile that Toby so often does.

Leo knocks on the door.  ”I really didn’t want to interrupt but I thought that you might want this.”  He hands Toby a camera, I can’t say thank you even though I want to.  Silently Toby takes the camera and takes some pictures of the baby and me.

“I think we should call him Will.”  I look up at Toby hoping that he agrees with my suggestion he simply nods.  “Do you want to hold him?”  As much as I want to hold onto Will I let him go to Toby because he needs to have time with him too.  Toby sits on the end of the bed and just stares at his face, his tears landing on Will’s forehead.  I gently stroke them away.

*Toby POV

He is the most perfect thing I have ever seen, so small and fragile that all I want to do is love him and never let go.  William Christopher Ziegler, I wonder if he has CJ’s eyes and it finally hits me that I will never get to see them open.  That this is the first and last time I will ever get to see him and I can’t hold him anymore because it hurts too much, I try to hand him back to CJ but she won’t take him.

I don’t know what to do, he is so silent and all I want him to do is open up his eyes and scream.  I rock him trying to comfort him I begin to sing.  I don’t know why but it seems like something that I need to do.  I feel CJ wrap her arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder.

Eventually the nurse returns she has brought a wheelchair so that CJ will be able to go to the nursery.  I pass Will to the nurse so that I can carry her from the bed to the wheel chair.  I take our son from the nurse and gently hand him back to CJ. 

We arrive at a huge glass window, the nurse goes into the room that holds at least fourteen babies, I don’t need her to point out my daughter I spotted her as soon as we arrived.  The nurse brings her to us, I hold her, she is just stirring, her eyes fluttering open and shut, the way that CJ’s did barely an hour ago.

She is so warm, so full of life, she finally opens her eyes and looks straight into mine.  That is all it took for me to fall in love with her, that one look that I will never forget, the pain of losing Will is there but it is softened slightly by the little girl so intently looking at me.

I bend so that CJ can see her, she only looks for a few seconds before turning away to Will.

*CJ POV

I can’t look at her, I can’t love her it isn’t fair, why can’t I have them both, I’ve waited so long to see her and now I can’t even look at her.  It hurts too much to see her so full of life when I will never feel Will move.  I can see that Toby is besotted with her already, but I just can’t.  I know that makes me the worst mother in the world not being able to look at my own daughter but it just doesn’t 

feel right that I can have one but not the other.

She’s crying, the nurse takes Will from me so that Toby can put her in my arms.  I snuggle her close against me and she stops crying like she knows who I am already.  I notice that with her eyes closed she looks just like Will.

“CJ why don’t we call her Sophie?”  I look at him, truly look at him and I know that he is hurting just as much as I am.  I look at her and think, I shake my head, she just doesn’t look like a Sophie.

“I prefer Emily, Emily Catherine Ziegler.”  Before today I had never thought about Emily but at that moment it just seemed right, Emily and William Ziegler they just sounded right together.

“I like Emily.”

“Hi Emily I’m you’re mommy, I’ve been waiting so long to see you.”  I had, I had been waiting my whole life and I still wasn’t able to comprehend how much I loved her, how much I loved them both, they were a part of me and Toby.  “This is your brother William…”  I tried to say something else but I couldn’t the words wouldn’t come.


End file.
